I hope you’re all sitting down because I must bring you deeply distressing news. It’s Nigel Farage, he… he had a drink thrown over him again. The horrifying attack took place in Essex, which surprisingly is a real place and not a fictional setting for the ITVX show The Only Way Is Essex. I know, I couldn’t believe it either! Next thing, they’ll be telling me Joey Essex is a real person!
Anyways, the scenes in Clacton were horrible. A girl threw a milkshake as Nigel left the Moon and Starfish pub with people he’d paid to be his friends. There were hysterical screams… of laughter. Signs that were supposed to say “Farage welcome in Clacton” had a weird typo that included the word “not”. Ambulances were called but refused to show up because who cares? Nigel’s suit will have to be taken to the dry cleaners. Everyone thought he looked like a prat... for the first time in his life. I understand the suspect has been arrested on suspicion of opposing fascism.
All of the sane and rational people on social media have shown solidarity with the victim who is currently fighting for his life. One Twitter user said: “Lock her up for ten years! It could have been anything in that cup! It could have been acid!” and that Twitter user is absolutely right, it could have been acid if the local McDonald’s had served the would-be assassin acid instead of milkshake. And if McDonald’s did serve her acid instead of milkshake that would absolutely have been her fault.
Anyways, an expert investigator… okay, a Twitter nerd with too much time on their hands, found an image of the suspect fleeing the scene and it just happened to resemble conservative dolly bird, I mean influencer, Emily Hewertson, someone who Nigel has previously posed for pictures with, looking worryingly handsy with someone young enough to be his granddaughter.
If the attacker really was Emily, this would leave us with two equally horrible possibilities: the first being that Emily has gone to the woke side, and the second being that Nigel has staged his own assassination attempt. Someone called Richard Tice accidentally revealed a possible motive when he said: “The juvenile moron who threw a drink over Nigel has just gained us hundreds of thousands more votes.” I understand Rishi Sunak has ordered thirty gallons of banana milkshake for his next rally.
Nigel, who recently crowned himself leader of the Reform Party because he owns it and is the only member (apart from the girl in Neighbours you had a crush on when you were a teenager), has vowed to continue fighting to be Clacton’s MP from his hospital bed. He might be in hospital a while though because all the nurses are saying: “I’m not going near that thing!”
Concerns for Nigel’s safety are so strong that if he doesn’t pull through, his supporters (Holly Valance) are looking for a body double to replace him, hopefully one who is not an idiot. If he somehow pulls through, Nigel hopes to start a revolution in politics by failing to become an MP for the eighth consecutive time.
If Clacton-on-Sea doesn’t vote for Nigel, it’s basically cancel culture, but thankfully, he is prepared for the people who want to exercise their democratic right to not vote for fascism. He has skilfully identified a split among Tory voters between the ones who are racist and the ones who pretend to not be racist. I’m told Nigel plans to unite them by making racism cool again. I'm told he's even got his red baseball caps ready! I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
Nigel, who has been condemned by Sir Keir Starmer for not being right-wing enough, has been politically homeless since his hero, Liz Truss, was assassinated by a lettuce, and to nearly lose his life in similar circumstances must have been deeply traumatic. All I can say is thank god Nigel is still with us (fingers crossed) because someone needs to keep Trussonomics alive x
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I wonder how much the milkshake tosser was paid for this attention seeking Farage promo?
Edit: After reading The Telegraph’s article about the milkshake incident I am convinced that it was a staged publicity stunt.
This is an excerpt from The Telegraph who quoted Farage's comments and retort following the stunt as followings:
Mr Farage made light of the latest incident in a video posted on social media.
In a reference to the 2003 song Milkshake by Kelis, he held a McDonald’s milkshake up to the camera and said: “My milkshake brings all the people to the rally."
If you're not familiar with the song, I recommend watching the official video for Kelis's "Milkshake" song which is sexually overt:
I seriously doubt that Farage would be familiar with the lyrics of the Milkshake song and be able to make a play on words of the lyrics in the spur of the moment.
Actually I hope that milkshake throwing doesn't become the thing, as it would ruin the throwees plans for the rest of the day and incur unnecessary dry cleaning bills and wear and tear on clothing.
Can't we just stick with good old fashioned verbal abuse.
Actually I hope that milkshake throwing doesn't become the thing, as it would ruin the throwees plans for the rest of the day and incur unnecessary dry cleaning bills and wear and tear on clothing.
Can't we just stick with good old fashioned verbal abuse.